You’ll see few more boring games this season, but it’s the Martyrs who will be happier with this result. As their respective league positions suggsted, Maychester looked more dangerous here while a De Bruyne-less away team were short of inspiration. But frankly neither side could conjure a genuine golden opportunity, so Zidane’s men have only themselves to blame for not turning dominance into goals.

By Gerbil Granville

With influential media figures starting to talk up their five-game winless run, Halfman started imperiously – as they often do – and assumed total control of the first half, finally capping it with De Jong’s first goal of the season just before the break. From there, Rodgers’s men were content to sit on their lead, perhaps wary of their recent collapses, and Nilwall essentially offered nothing in response. The crowd were made to wake up just before the final whistle when a penalty allowed Cazorla to confirm the end to Halfman’s unfortunate record.

By Andrea Stilton

Though the hosts started with high tempo, with the effervescent Neymar threatening, Le Roy’s side grew into the first half spectacularly. An increasingly confident Luis Alberto showed why the club have persisted with him for so many seasons with two goals in three minutes, his second in particular a nigh-unstoppable thunderbolt. Lambert’s men rallied, with a Zapata effort millimetres from crossing the line, and eventually their Brazilian winger had his say. First picked out for a tap-in by Firmino and then firing home an equaliser from the inside-left channel, Neymar demonstrated his quality. Les Canards looked nervous at the end but neither side could cry too much about the draw.

By Winifred Chompnozzle

In a colossally important game at the bottom of the table, the BBC showed themselves entirely unwilling to play Surreal’s cat-and-mouse game of choice. It took just three minutes for Bale to cut inside and thread a low shot through five defenders, and from there Ferguson’s side were utterly dominant. Jonny made it two on the half-hour with a daisy-cutter that squeaked awkwardly under Dubravka. The job already looked so finished against a hardly-there Surreal team that the hosts were able to withdraw the unfit Bale at half-time, and the second half offered no dissent to their complacency.

By shadowy agents of the Cabal

A fascinating contest between two teams who have forced their way up to 12 points after poor starts met its promise, but this was Messi’s game first and foremost. Though the visitors laid siege to Oblak with 30 shots, Conte’s men were deadly on the counter, none more so than the Argentine, who swapped assists with Jovic before pushing himself into the lead on the golden boot with two second-half strikes, the latter a penalty. Perisic struck twice for Arbor Red – albeit one with a huge assist from an inexplicable Bellerin blunder – but quality in the final third told massively here in favour of the Dawgs.

By Chilli Guay

With the Pigs looking to underline their own title aspirations against last year’s champions, it was their longest-serving star who made the difference here. In what was otherwise a fairly cagey match, a moment of magic from Modric lit up the ground as he swivelled on the edge of the area and launched a balletic curved shot well past anyone’s reach. The rest of the game passed without much incident but sometimes further incidents are unnecessary in the face of such a delightful goal.

By Bruce Gruntbastard

The famously scrappy Sons quickly made their physical presence felt here; unfortunately for Pochettino, it was in conceding a seventh-minute penalty which Lukaku buried. But the hosts got their own back when a Benatia foul allowed Lemar to draw level from the spot. This was a busy match with chances at both ends and it seemed only fair that, just after Carvajal blasted Los Hijos into the lead, Lo Celso made up for a poor earlier finish by slotting past Donnarumma. The Geese were desperate to try to win this and ended up out-shooting their hosts by two to one but neither side deserved to lose this entertaining (if slightly quality-light) contest.

By Dave Soup

An unthrilling first half was lit up when Matuidi, appropriately enough, blazed an unstoppable shot past Cillessen. It took a long time for the MiBs to muster a concerted response but eventually, on the horizon, a bright light entered when VAR confirmed a penalty call against La Ball and Cavani made no mistake against his former club. The hosts looked the likeliest by far to find a winner and did clatter one against the woodwork but they were short of magic and remain a few points behind the leaders.

By Peter ‘Johnny Two-Muffins’ Finkspindle

Farcelona received an early scare when Neuer completely misjudged a corner and allowed Pellegrini to head into an open net, but they got back on track before the break. Having already converted the equalising penalty, Barella curled a shot around two defenders after Dembele’s low effort had put the visitors in front. The Menace were as plucky as ever, with Odegaard pulling strings, but nobody expected this young side to be able to compete with the leaders, and Havertz underlined the point with a fourth just before the end. It’s now nine games won in a row for the Farce; the rest of the league must learn how to deal with them, quickly.

By Jonathan Two-Muffins