Weasels

Wedge Bromwich Albion

Lionel Messi
9'
1 - 0
David Silva (Retired)
70'
2 - 0
Niklas Süle
72'
3 - 0
Lorenzo Insigne
74'
4 - 0
Rui Patrício (OG)
80'
5 - 0

Nobody saw this coming after an insomnia-baiting first half but Weasels exploded into life in the late game, scoring with almost every attempt they made against a struggling Rui P. Wedge weren’t up to much, although you’d have to say five feels harsh.

By Clive Twang

Arbor Red

La Ball de la Foot

0 - 1
58'
Miralem Pjanić
0 - 2
88'
Nabil Fekir

After one game’s grace for new boss Jorge Jesus, it was back to the grinding disappointment of this Arbor Red season. Genuine chances were few and far between but they were near-nonexistent for the hosts; Pjanic’s classy free kick and a canny close-range finish from Fekir decided it.

By Gregorella Stonkcroncher

Brigstock Big Cocks

Surreal Moneyball

Gabriel Jesus
4'
1 - 0
1 - 1
75'
Kingsley Coman
1 - 2
84'
Sadio Mané (Retired)
1 - 3
88'
João Félix

On the back foot immediately but having the better of the game, Surreal struggled to boss around the defence without the absent Immobile but their patience eventually told against a Cocks team who looked far too content to coast.

By the Tupac hologram

Möhömahamörssit

The Pocket Dawgs

Romelu Lukaku
22'
1 - 0
Federico Chiesa
60'
2 - 0
2 - 1
66'
Eden Hazard (Retired)
2 - 2
82'
Raúl García

What a way to end a six-game streak of defeats! The Dawgs desperately wanted more out of this game but they will be desperately pleased with the point, and especially with the manner in which they roared back into the game after the second goal. They arguably deserved more for their efforts.

By Vanuatu LeBanon

Maychester United

Farcelona

Jamie Vardy (Pen)
29'
1 - 0
1 - 1
33'
Leroy Sané
1 - 2
45+2'
Alphonso Davies
Jamie Vardy
61'
2 - 2
2 - 3
87'
Marco Reus

A real entertainer, this. Maychester, faintly shambolic but full of gumption, spurned good chances for more – particularly Havertz, who tried several ambitious efforts and never went closer than a lob onto the bar – while the Farcelona wingers were electric and just too deadly on the break. A special nod (eyyy) to Davies for a rare headed goal.

By Yaddle

FC Cers City

Os Patos

0 - 1
16'
Marcos Llorente
0 - 2
26'
Achraf Hakimi (Retired)
0 - 3
54'
Achraf Hakimi (Retired)
Florian Thauvin
67'
1 - 3

The sudden reinvention of Achraf Hakimi as a player who routinely bangs them in from the right-hand corner of the penalty area was the most and perhaps only unexpected part of Cers’ dismantling.

By Emile the talking llama

AFC He-Man

Qiú Mǎng

0 - 1
21'
Ángel Correa
Robert Lewandowski
35'
1 - 1
1 - 2
83'
Jorginho (Pen)

Halfman gave up their position at the top of the table with a slightly confused performance that ended awkwardly with a clumsy Bender foul in the box. The first goal was a great example of the classic tiki-taka that Ambriz has sought to implement, while Gomez and Jorginho had the best of the midfield battle.

By Prince Frederick Charles of Hesse

Chilean Menace

Los Hijos de Chud

Cristiano Ronaldo (Retired)
12'
1 - 0
Stefan de Vrij
30'
2 - 0
Edin Džeko (OG)
68'
3 - 0

The pressure on Lijnders will only increase after a stodgy performance against the reigning champions, who put in a confident team performance all across the pitch without needing to overexert themselves.

By Quincy Rampart

Nilwall FC

Mancs in Black

Harry Kane
18'
1 - 0
Paulinho (The Old CM)
38'
2 - 0
2 - 1
46'
Timo Werner
2 - 2
85'
Timo Werner
Son Heung-Min
91'
3 - 2

After a confident start, Nilwall rode their luck a bit in defending their lead – a dangerous thing to do against this pacy Mancs attack – but it paid off right at the end with a thrilling counterattacking move, Bale launching a frankly astonishing pass to put Son through for the winner.

By Dudley Drainbilge

This week's crossword clue

28 Across: Incapable of providing reduced levels of assistance (8)

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