AFC He-Man

Los Hijos de Chud

0 - 1
26'
Ivan Rakitić
0 - 2
41'
Mohamed Salah
0 - 3
53'
Iñaki Williams
0 - 4
61'
Anthony Martial

I thought Halfman were meant to be good. Tuchel, though, has really got into the heads of this Hijos side; they might even have their eye on catching up to the hosts at this rate. It was an utterly comprehensive victory.

By Steve Grant

FC Cers City

Mancs in Black

Good lord, this was dreadful. The bookies’ inexplicable favourites remain mired in ninth.

By Steve Grant

Arbor Red

Wedge Bromwich Albion

0 - 1
60'
Francesco Acerbi
Thomas Müller
74'
1 - 1
1 - 2
85'
Ángel Di María
Neymar (Pen)
93'
2 - 2
Danilo Pereira
96'
3 - 2

It looked like the mercurial Rui P, having one of his good days, was going to merk an Arbor Red team who desperately needed to win this game to keep alive the race to avoid the wooden spoon. But Jorge Jesus’s men refused to be beaten, and finally profited with a delightful late rally.

By Steve Grant again

Weasels

The Pocket Dawgs

Lionel Messi
64'
1 - 0
Lionel Messi (Pen)
70'
2 - 0

Weasels’ success seems to be inversely proportional to how much possession they get. Messi was in fine form here against a Dawgs side who didn’t quite know how to break down the back line, while Militao was left dumbfounded by an adventurous cross from deep midfield that prompted him to foul Sterling in the box out of sheer confusion.

By Steve ‘Work Horse’ Grant

Chilean Menace

Qiú Mǎng

Dries Mertens
11'
1 - 0
Cristiano Ronaldo (Retired) (Pen)
20'
2 - 0
Nélson Semedo
55'
3 - 0
Cristiano Ronaldo (Retired)
65'
4 - 0
Dries Mertens
75'
5 - 0

Martyrs diligently continued their work of scrubbing all trace of their former status as a competent football team. The depth of their failure here was perhaps summed up by Ronaldo scoring a goal while standing level on the byline.

By Steve Grant, no matter who else you try to send to the ground

Nilwall FC

La Ball de la Foot

0 - 1
10'
Thomas Lemar
Sergio Reguilón
45+1'
1 - 1
1 - 2
63'
Mauro Icardi
Dele Alli
81'
2 - 2
Toby Alderweireld
90'
3 - 2

MISSED PEN Dele 57′

Navas will have been a very relieved man to have saved Dele’s penalty after conceding a fluke equaliser to Reguilon’s wayward cross just before the break – but his woes only returned when he let in another embarrassing one from a messy piece of team defence in the 81st minute. Indeed, this was an unusually complete performance from the Elves that fully deserved the three points – except for these repeated moments of defensive madness that eventually undid them. Nilwall players should buy lottery tickets tonight.

I AM STEVE GRANT AND I ATTEND ALL THE GAMES

Maychester United

Surreal Moneyball

0 - 1
42'
Ciro Immobile

Maychester, perhaps too deferent from playing host to two of their most beloved players, might as well not have been here at all. This was a comfortable, professional job by a Surreal side who now go six points clear at the top, with – who else? – Big Ciro tucking one away after cleverly losing Evans.

DON’T TAKE ME AWAY FROM THE GAMES

Brigstock Big Cocks

Farcelona

0 - 1
7'
Luis Suárez
0 - 2
27'
Luis Suárez
Luis Suárez (OG)
28'
1 - 2

If anything, Suarez may simply love goals too much. The Uruguayan was, of course, at the centre of everything here, although a keen-eyed pass from Zaniolo for his second may live longest in the memory. The Cocks fought hard for the under-pressure Ancelotti but always looked a level below their opposition, with Gabriel Jesus in particular too wayward up front.

Steve, please come home, your wife is worried about you

Möhömahamörssit

Os Patos

I cannot help but question every single choice in my entire life that might have contributed to my being forced to watch this game in order to pay my rent. Even Aguero fucked up a golden opportunity to make anything of the game, right at the end.

By Louise Hinchcliffe

This week's crossword clue

6 Across: Fallout from previous calculation (9)

Crossword grid