Our team of intrepid reporters attends every game in the Gobshite Draft League so that you don’t have to!
FC Cers City 0-1 La Ball de la Foot
Both managers declined to fuck it from the off, with two very sensible starting XIs. La Ball had the worst of a quiet first half until Pjanic curled a gorgeous shot through the hands of Lloris just before the break. Despite Galtier turning to Ribery as a sub striker instead of Giroud, La Ball held on against an energetic – and bruising – but ultimately uncreative Cers side and even had more, better late chances on the counter. The defending champions will be disappointed with this start.
By Grunt Rockslab
Sporting Martyrs 0-2 Les Canards
Klopp renewed his feud with the Martyrs DoF by lining up in a 4-2-3-1 and the home side, weary of internal tension, started shitly against the new-look Ducks. It grew into an action-packed game, though, with both keepers – former team-mates last season – excelling. It looked like being a very fair 0-0 but Les Canards kept up the pressure into stoppage time, when Lewandowski set up Muniain not once but twice on the counter. The away side had the better of it but Martyrs can feel hard done-by.
By Shelley Gaggelgroib
Mancs in Black 2-0 Arbor Red FC
Hotly tipped for success in their debut season, the hosts dominated the first half and were rewarded when Saul headed in their first-ever goal. Arbor Red enjoyed plenty of possession but struggled to create quality opportunities with it, and a confident Mancs side extended their lead through a belter from the greatly impressive Di Maria. The MiB will hope that the vivid memories of this encouraging debut do not turn to fantasies in the coming weeks.
By Rich Daddie
Farcelona 0-1 Pigs
Inzaghi controversially left Big Gonzo on the bench for this trip, while Guardiola offered Sane an honest-to-god start. With Farcelona’s pacy front three posing problems, the Pigs had to retreat even deeper when star man Modric saw red for a dangerous tackle before the hour mark, belatedly resulting in Higuain’s introduction as a very isolated lone frontman. It wasn’t pretty but the away side held off a barrage of pressure and got their reward when, at the death, Ziyech bent a wicked free kick into the net. Farcelona, for their part, will be left scratching their heads.
By Klaus von Sportsengescribe
Chilean Menace 0-1 Halfman United
Rodgers confounded media predictions by opting for a midfield diamond as his new-look Halfman visited the debuting Menace, who opted for Odegaard in a surprise start at No.10 with Jesus preferred to Werner up front. The hosts were lively, with Walker terrorising the right flank, but catastrophic passing out from defence by Sanchez set up Griezmann in acres of space for an easy opener on 35 minutes. It seemed to take the wind out of Favre’s side, who almost stopped taking shots entirely as they slid to a dismal defeat.
By Evil Gary
Nilwall FC 0-5 Maychester United
Pekerman opted against starting with the 3-4-3 but did deploy Dele as a surprise striker alongside Kane. It did not go well. The visitors showed why they’ve been backed for a big season as Costa’s set-piece deliveries set up the first three for Bonucci, Ronaldo and Memphis. The latter two each grabbed a second as the hosts began to completely unravel, and avoiding a league-record margin of defeat is the only positive that they will be able to take from this mess.
By Deirdre O’Lantern
Weasels 2-0 Los Hijos de Chud
Lambert unveiled a new-look 4-4-2 for the hosts, with Neymar on the left and Tadic alongside Firmino up front, perhaps aiming to confound the last of the league’s three debutant teams. It seemed to work, as a dominant start resulted in Tadic burying two clinical finishes before the break. Los Hijos looked overwhelmed by making their bow against a team with such a storied history and will need to come to terms with the size of the challenge very quickly.
By Kermit the Frog
Brigstock Big Cocks 1-2 FC Carrcelona
Carrcelona showed the rust on Cocks manager Ferguson as their assertive play was rewarded by goals from Lukaku and Lo Celso, with much debate surrounding Neto’s status as first-choice keeper for a team with lofty aspirations. The venerable gaffer switched to a 4-2-4 in an attempt to reverse his side’s fortunes and Gareth Bale sank a hole-in-one from a corner at the end of normal time but, in a relatively even game, the Geese simply proved more penetrative.
By Annie Sthatist
The Pocket Dawgs 1-2 Surreal Madrid
A trip to the league’s hottest-tipped side might have been a daunting one for the self-styled Newcastle of the southern hemisphere, but it didn’t show when Callum Wilson fired confidently past Jan Oblak after only four minutes. Even when Messi predictably deposited a free kick half an hour later, Shelvey stepped up to bury a penalty immediately afterwards. From there, the Dawgs struggled to break through Surreal’s solid 5-4-1 shape – though Vardy was made to rue a near miss – and Bruce’s men held on for an astonishing result that they will hope sets them up for a full year of confounding the critics.
By Darren the self-teaching football journalism AI
This week’s crossword clue
9 Down: Citizen of Caribbean island state shuts up for a change (8)
(please note: this clue was originally misprinted as 1 Down. It is, in fact, 9 Down. Please forgive the error.)
