Our team of intrepid reporters attends every game in the Gobshite Draft League so that you don’t have to!
Sporting Martyrs 0-0 FC Carrcelona
The hosts reacted to last week’s hammering by dropping not just Kante but also their entire front three in a major rotation. The result was a very bright performances with chances aplenty, but Haaland in particular was unable to bury any that came his way while De Gea was equal to the 10 shots that were on target. Carrcelona were on the back foot throughout, with knocks to Son and Lukaku disrupting what attacking efforts they could muster, and were let off when Taison hammered a low shot just past the post late in the second half. Not a classic but a first point for Klopp’s men.
By Jessup K. Rodriguez
Los Hijos de Chud 1-1 FC Cers City
Luis Enrique’s men have been waiting to get a result that matches their solid play and thought they were going to get it when Oxlade-Etc notched his first goal of the season midway through the second half. But Los Hijos responded quickly when Hummels’ header from a set-piece flew past a too-static Lloris. Donnarumma had the better game between the sticks and kept out a late shot on the counter from the Ox. Neither side offered much in creativity throughout and that brief flourish of activity was by far the most exciting spell of the game, with a point apiece very much the appropriate outcome.
By General Specific
Chilean Menace 0-3 Nilwall FC
Dele quickly demonstrated why Pekerman has persisted with him as a centre forward this season when he slotted cleverly past Schmeichel in only the third minute. The game then settled into half an hour of anemic non-action before Menace, perhaps rattled, gifted away a second – Walker meekly putting it into his own net after his colleagues in midfield botched a long passing move. Defensive frailty continued to plague Favre’s side and Dele robbed Tierney to bag his second on the hour. The stats suggest that this was an even contest but only one team displayed the maturity that comes from experience at this level.
By Aloha Moholaohomalo
The Pocket Dawgs 1-3 Halfman United
Not content with the shape that saw them win their first two games, Rodgers switched to a flying V for Halfman’s visit to the stumbling Dawgs. The game started slowly but Conte’s side, perhaps needing a moment of inspiration to kickstart their season, took the lead with a thumping strike by Gundogan almost out of nowhere. Their elation only lasted a few minutes, though, as Coutinho – pushed wide today – slotted home with precision past Oblak’s reach. The away side were by far the dominant force and it told when Griezmann notched twice in quick succession – though both goals were aided by uncertain defending. Still much work to be done for the pre-season favourites but Halfman are on a roll.
By Robyn Murqhy
Maychester United 2-0 Arbor Red FC
Maychester came in bullish, with a spotless defensive record against a team yet to score, and they were celebrating when Memphis walked his way through the last man and Handanovic to open the account midway through the first half. From there, Zidane’s side were mostly content to just hold onto what they had, with Arbor Red lacking in attacking verve The result seemed all but confirmed when Pogba rose to meet a corner in the 81st minute, with last season’s wooden-spoon winners firmly in the mire once again at this early stage.
By your own lingering parental resentments
Farcelona 3-1 Surreal Madrid
Surreal may be a limited side but it sometimes requires extraordinary firepower to breach such a well-drilled defence. Unfortunately for the visitors, this was very much in supply. Enjoying space outside of the penalty area, midfield partners Havertz and Barella both unleashed thunderbolt shots in the first half that left Dubravka no chance at all. Some canny movement at a corner from Suarez led to the third. Bruce’s side were able to celebrate when a sensational cross from Wilson set up a Fraser header, but a consolation was all they could get after being exposed by a quality team.
By Gary
Weasels 0-2 Pigs
Two defensively solid sides started cagily here but Modric blew a hole in the game shortly after the break when, in the middle of a whirling 360-degree spin, he cannoned one far past Onana. It emboldened the visitors, who saw Robertson’s cross-field pass set up fellow wing-back Alexander-Arnold to really put the screws on Lambert’s men. The novice manager turned to a 3-4-3 in an attempt to rouse his Weasels – though still left Neymar on the wing – but nothing came of it as the away side deservedly claimed their first-ever victory against the former champions.
By Stephanie Wright-Bagley-Haynes
Brigstock Big Cocks 0-2 Mancs in Black
Free of any prior golfing commitments, Bale deigned to appear for the Cocks here, but he was soon left wishing he was on the links when Ramos bundled home in only the fourth minute. Of course, you never quite know where the MiB are at, as Cavani proved when he missed a penalty on the stroke of half-time, but Di Maria resumed course with a second goal. While the Cocks had their chances, they struggled for fluency, and it ended up a fairly straightforward march to a third consecutive victory for the league newcomers.
By Allegra Beforewicket
Les Canards 1-2 La Ball de la Foot
Les Canards’ emergency strikeforce might have been envious when Galthier felt comfortable ignoring Giroud in favour of starting Fekir up front, but they perked up when Muniain finished off an expansive passing move early on. La Ball at first seemed overawed by the glitz and glamour of the Monday-night spotlight but roused themselves through the impressive Hazard’s fine curled finish midway through the second half. And it was the Belgian who decided the game, arriving late from the left flank to volley home Fekir’s piercing cross. The hosts had a golden opportunity to even it up before the close but failed teenage sensation Muniain fluffed his shot when faced with a mostly open net. Le Roy will be frustrated, particularly at only recording a single shot on target, but Galthier can be relieved that his talisman has woken up.
By Chuck Norris’s dentist
This week’s crossword clue
1 Down*: Sounds like you’ve created a cleaner (4)
*Yes, actually this time.
