Our team of intrepid reporters attends every game in the Gobshite Draft League so that you don’t have to!
The Pocket Dawgs 2-1 Mancs in Black
The reeling Dawgs got face to face and made contact with their local rivals in the league’s first-ever Singaporean derby, dropping the out-of-sorts Vardy for Jovic up front. It was a cagey game but the hosts finally caught a break when Skriniar hammered a clearance into his own team-mate, Gaya, which bounced back into the MiBs’ own net. Jovic then made a statement to Conte by extending the lead shortly afterwards. The visitors had been more threatening prior to the goals and did get one back through Mbappe but Rabiot let the derby atmosphere get to him with a reckless challenge that got him sent off just eight minutes after emerging from the bench. It was a battle, but one that ended in a vital breakthrough for the Pocket Dawgs and broke their rivals’ 100% start.
By Glenda Carousel
Los Hijos de Chud 0-3 Halfman United
Halfman, now one of two remaining teams with unblemished record, started confidently and took the lead midway through the first half when Coutinho rose to head home a classy lifted pass from Griezmann. Los Hijos responded well with a series of sustained attacks but their heads dropped when Coutinho turned on the style after the break, twice combining well with Reguilon down the left to expose the hosts’ defence and seal his hat-trick. The run goes on for Rodgers’s side, who look confident and complete.
By Hubert A. Stank
Maychester United 1-1 Pigs
Inzaghi’s side aimed to keep pace with Halfman but were on the back foot through the early stages and fell behind to a thumping Ronaldo header. Seemingly incensed, Robertson hit an absolute sniper’s shot past Kepa to level things up, which seemed to surprise the hosts so much that a shaken Ronaldo missed a penalty just before the break. The Maychester talisman was constantly involved but his wayward finishing continued and the Pigs kept out the barrage to ensure that both sides remain unbeaten.
By the ghost of Kim Kardashian
Les Canards 3-2 Arbor Red FC
Le Roy rotated heavily for the visit of the out-of-form Arbor Red and it threatened to backfire spectacularly when Immobile evaded all three centre-backs to nod home his team’s first goal of the season. However, on 15 minutes, Zielinski – replacing the three-goals-in-three Muniain – snuck through to pick up Shaqiri’s cross and level it up. Arbor Red were both possession and chances created, and it resulted in Milik heading home from a corner deep in the second half, but they almost immediately conceded a penalty in response. Aranguiz converted it on his Gobshite debut, and his side were celebrating late on when substitute Muniain bagged a thrilling winner on the break. It meant that, despite a solid performance, Arbor Red’s point-free malaise goes on for another week.
By Jove Ithinktheyvegotit
Weasels 1-1 FC Cers City
Both sides rotated for this one but the reigning champions knew better than to drop Aguero, who buried a classic Aguero strike shortly before half-time. Lambert, who kept faith in yeoman winger Neymar whose defensive instincts saw him earn a suspension, switched to 3-4-3 once again as his team struggled to create chances in response. Remarkably, this included putting Dani Alves up front and it paid off with a thumping strike in the 88th minute, finishing off Zapata’s pass when both centre-backs left the Brazilian in acres of space around the penalty spot. The hosts were the less impressive side here but held on for a draw.
By Sven Nevis
Chilean Menace 1-1 FC Carrcelona
It was a quiet start here in the battle of the FC Carrcelona family of products but it came to life just before the break when Odegaard, who continued to take advantage of an unexpected run in the first XI. Seemingly fired up by Ancelotti’s team talk, Lulic responded in style with a thumping strike just after the restart. Though both teams had plenty of heart, neither offered a great deal of quality going forward and it ended up a very reasonable draw.
By Lisa, Great and Mighty Lord of the Seas
Farcelona 2-1 Nilwall FC
Both of these sides were looking to extend bright starts to the season but it was Guardiola’s team who looked the most confident in the early stages, particularly when Dembele hit a long-ranger through a baffled and flapping Rui P. But the mercurial Nilwall refused to be cowed and, after a botched clearance from a corner, Isco curled a sumptuous cross onto the head of Kane to equalise. Farcelona remained the classier side in posession and showed their teeth when Suarez stole half a yard from his marker and buried one low from Dembele’s pass. Not even Pekerman’s trademark #YOLO formation could summon a viable chance to equalise from there.
By Alf from the television series Alf
Brigstock Big Cocks 3-2 La Ball de la Foot
The Cocks needed to stand up after a poor start to the season but poor communication between Evans and Neto let Hazard run through them to set up an early tap-in for Giroud. Undiminished, the hosts pushed forward, debutant Foden’s stinging shot drawing a save from Navas that fell perfectly for Jota to equalise. Star man Bale took a knock in the first half but bravely played on and got his reward with a powerful header after the break. La Ball were more than playing their part in a chance-rich game and a precision counter saw Hazard run free down the left to level it up – but Godin’s header from an 87th-minute corner was just enough for Ferguson’s men to secure their first points of the campaign.
By Ian Nolan
Sporting Martyrs 2-0 Surreal Madrid
Klopp raised eyebrows by dropping SMS and De Bruyne but Kante stepped up to show his all-rounder credentials with a fine goal from outside the box in the early stages. The industrious midfielder went on to set up Gnabry for a second, although the visitors will insist that it should have been ruled out for offside. Bruce’s side were never able to offer meaningful opposition to Martyrs, who shot freely with the knowledge that there would always be another chance – perhaps too freely, with 16 shots off target that prevented them from turning this into a rout. A first win of the season, though, will go down just fine with their fans.
By Julie Potato
This week’s crossword clue
22 Down: Immature description of gazpacho (8)
