Our team of intrepid reporters attends every game in the Gobshite Draft League so that you don’t have to!
Pigs 1-1 Les Canards
Riding high at the top of the table, the hosts seized the initiative as Dybala pounced on an early opportunity. But the Ducks were undeterred and were buoyed when Andrew ‘ice’ Robertson saw red for a dangerous tackle, with a goalmouth scramble almost immediately afterwards ending in Christensen turning into his own net. Though still lacking in quality up front, Le Roy’s side showed their pluck here, even if they were unable to break the Pigs’ unbeaten record.
By Tina Barrett
FC Carrcelona 1-3 The Pocket Dawgs
Confusion reigned at the Steven Gerrard Arena when play was called back for a mystery penalty out of nowhere early in the game, which Martial buried to give the hosts the lead, but the Dawgs retaliated immediately as Bellerin burst down the right and fired home in style. Conte’s centre-backs offered some genuine creativity here, with Van Dijk’s clever cross helping to set up Messi for a straightforward finish just after the break. This was the visitors’ most impressive performance of the season so far, with Gundogan pulling the strings in midfield, and the result was sealed when Messi nabbed a second amid poor defending. The Geese had their fair share of chances but never really imposed themselves.
By Rhombus Quayle
La Ball de la Foot 1-1 Sporting Martyrs
The Martyrs DoF might still have been celebrating Klopp’s much-demanded switch to a flying V formation when disaster struck, Hazard flying through the defence and twisting Albiol into conceding an own goal after just 16 seconds. Apart from that sucker-punch, though, the two sides appeared very evenly matched, and a deserved equaliser arrived when a push in the penalty area let Haaland step up to bury one from the spot. Martyrs fans nearly had a heart attack when a marginal offside call put paid to a stoppage-time goal for Giroud, but there was no shame either way in this result.
By the editor’s grandniece
Nilwall FC 1-1 Brigstock Big Cocks
The Cocks flew out of the gates here but conceded to Nilwall’s first counterattack when Odriozola set up Kane in the eighth minute. Nevertheless, Ferguson’s men seemed determined to turn around their fortunes and Rashford made their sustained pressure count when he lashed home a ferocious equaliser. Though Nilwall remained short of their marauding best, they were able to hold off an increasingly desperate BBC side.
By Lee Yngual
Mancs in Black 0-0 Los Hijos de Chud
The MiBs, so impressive thus far this season, seemed to be playing within themselves against the unusually gentle Sons. Di Maria and Mbappe continually threatened the full-backs but struggled to create meaningful chances with it. They always looked likely to score but, in a blink, what was there was now gone when time expired. Los Hijos had the odd break through the pacy Mane but ultimately could not offer much more than a solid defence and will gladly take the point.
By Thorbjørn Hagelslag
Arbor Red FC 0-1 Farcelona
Farcelona, trying to exploit a team who only just notched their first win, raced out of the blocks – but failing to convert within the first five minutes seemed to make them lose all interest. The game descended into a highlight-free snorefest until the 78th minute, when Guardiola’s men remembered that they had a chance to go top and saw Correa monster down the right to set up a Barella header. Arbor Red did not respond.
By Brian ‘the Hammer’ Linus
Halfman United 0-0 Weasels
Halfman instantly assumed total domination of possession against a Weasels side ravaged by injury and suspensions, but one of the league’s classiest teams failed to create sustained pressure with it and didn’t muster a single shot on target until the 89th minute. Perhaps nothing better summed up their malaise than Rodgers introducing Bernardeschi off the bench in the 72nd minute and then withdrawing him to move to a narrow diamond just two minutes later. The visitors will be relieved and confused.
By the power vested in me by the nation of New Zealand, I hereby pronounce you a reader of this report
FC Cers City 1-1 Chilean Menace
A very quiet week for Gobshite football continued in a dull first half here but Reus lifted the expectant home crowd with a gorgeous curling free kick on the hour. The Menace, though, matched the step-up in intensity and Pellegrini levelled things up with a thumping strike from the edge of the area. Both sides were cagey in the final minutes, leaving all parties concerned stuck in mid-table mediocrity.
By Argyle B. Williams, III
Surreal Madrid 1-3 Maychester United
Audiences were expecting a Monday-night treat after a poor weekend’s action and got their reward with an imperious Maychester performance. Ronaldo’s early header set the tone and, from there, the hosts were put under siege. Shot after shot rained down on a Surreal side who looked entirely unequipped to compete. A screamer from Pogba was followed by a tap-in for Memphis as well as multiple efforts ruled out for offside, with Zidane’s men recording a league-record 47 shots – even if only 14 of them were on target. Even though they finally conceded a consolation when Almiron slotted home in stoppage time, it puts Maychester level at the top with Farcelona and marks them out as serious contenders.
By Caravaggio Tennis
This week’s crossword clue
5 Across: Quite different from revoking a react (6)
